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Sweet Love, Hot Sex…and Fertilizer

  • Written by  Scott Wilson
Fertilizers can improve your love life… Fertilizers can improve your love life…

I never thought of myself as a guy who looked down on women. I love and respect my mom and sisters. I’ve spent a lot of my adult life trying to find a good woman and feeling lonely when I didn’t have one.

Of course, you never know what you’ll find when you go out looking for something. When I decided to get serious as a gardener, I went to the hydroponics store looking for advice, but there were only two employees and both of them were female.

One was at the checkout counter, the other girl was stocking shelves.

The shelf stocker was a beautiful hottie, but I figured she wouldn’t know much if anything about hydroponics. I guess that’s what they call “sexism.”

What happened with the girl in the Pink Floyd shirt?

I wandered the aisles trying to figure out what fertilizer and other stuff I should buy, but I was too proud to ask her for help.

In fact I avoided her. Like, if she was on the fertilizer aisle, I would go to the aisle that had hydroponics lights.

All the while I was attracted to her. She was about 26, glowing skin, hemp necklace, long blonde hair, wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt, the one with the pyramid and prism on it.

I looked at my watch and got a jolt when I saw I’d been in the store more than half an hour and still hadn’t selected even one item.

I needed to get a lot of stuff because I’d decided to transfer my gardening from soil to real hydroponics gardening, and was prepped to spend about $1200 that day, maybe more.

I had generic ideas about what to buy, but no specific brand names, makes or models. And my sexist attitude towards women made me reluctant to ask questions.

I was actually going to leave the store without buying anything. Then the Pink Floyd t-shirt hottie came up from behind me and asked me if she could help.

“Umm, well, is there anybody here who knows about hydroponics gardening,” I said.

“I’m the store manager,” she replied, “what do you need to know?”

Store manager? I was surprised.

I told her I wanted to get a simple ebb and flow or deep water culture unit, maybe a 400 watt light, reflector, and light stand, and some fertilizer.

Well, she took me by the arm and steered me around the store. In an hour I got the best grow-how lesson a man could ask for.

Plus I was enjoying her perfume, and her jeans, the way they fit, I mean.

Not only was she a pro at hydroponics gardening, she went the extra mile by picking out supplies that were high quality but also discounted.

And when I was leaving, after I’d spent $1277, she handed me her business card.

“My email address is on there so if you have any questions, get in touch,” she said.

I had questions alright, such as: do you have a boyfriend or husband.

I talked to her a few times to ask how to set up this or that in my garden. Out of the blue, she suggested coming to my place to help me get it right.

I thought, hell yes this is hydroponics customer service.

Ok, I won’t give you the juicy details about the third time she came over, when I had dry-rubbed and slow-smoked some delicious ribs, we sat on the deck sipping Seghesio Sonoma Zinfandel, and the next morning she was still with me, and now we are in love, or at least I am, and my garden rocks (thanks mostly to her).

What I will say is sexism is bad, mmmkay? Some ladies definitely do know their hydroponics, better than most guys, I’m sure.

And that’s how shopping for fertilizers helped me find the best love and sex I’ve ever had!

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Last modified on Monday, 02 July 2012 18:31

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