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So You Wanna Be a Porn Star?

Would you be the next Ron Jeremy or Jenna Haze? Would you be the next Ron Jeremy or Jenna Haze?

So you wanna be a porn star? More than a few of my guy friends have expressed interest in being a porn “actor” for their career. Some of my female friends have even thought about it. After all, getting paid to have sex with lots of people, being an exhibitionist, and maybe even becoming the next Ron Jeremy or Jenna Haze, Bree Olson or Gianna Michaels could be a nice career move.

Which brings me to a hilarious mockumentary, The Auteur, that’s funnier than any comedy I’ve seen in years and provides an inside look at the porn industry.

Arturo’s most successful porn is built on a collaboration with lead male porn star Franke E Normo.
I hate it when people write about movies and give away so much of the story that it takes away your joy of surprise and discovery, so I’m going to refrain from describing the rich details and many plot twists in The Auteur. One important fact is it’s an independent movie, not a typical Hollywood job, so you know it takes way more chances than anything Hollywood produces.

The basic story is about porn director Arturo Domingo. He longs to be the Stanley Kubrick or Oliver Stone of porn (the word auteur defines a movie director whose style and skills are such that his films are one of a kind stories that could not have been created by any other director).

Arturo’s most successful porn is built on a collaboration with lead male porn star Franke E Normo. Unfortunately for Arturo, his professional partnership with Franke and his personal partnership with the woman he loves are on the rocks.

As the mockumentary progresses, you see the inner workings of the porn industry - how casual or how businesslike it all is, as women spread their legs and Franke applies his “enormo” tool, while Arturo pours his heart into every scene, trying to turn porn into art.

Along the way, you encounter amazing West Coast people the likes of which you can really only find in the wilds of California and Oregon. One of the stand-out scenes in a movie that had me and my friends on the floor laughing deals with a party in which unorthodox intoxicants are consumed in a wild and crazy setting.

Actor Melik Malkasian (who portrays Arturo) and everyone else in the cast provide absolutely spot-on performances. Unlike most movies, there’s no down time- they always get it up. The dialogue, camera angles, editing, plot development and porn scenes are wickedly powerful start to finish. Porn legend Ron Jeremy drops by to add reality spice to the brew.

So you wanna be a porn star? Based on The Auteur, here’s a quick career guide:

If you’re a guy, you need to have equipment that stays rock hard and is visually attractive. It helps if your “love tool” is considerably larger than average. Having a fun personality and an expressive face also works well.

If you’re a girl who wants to be a porn star, you need a way above-average body, a face that people want to stare at, genitalia that looks inviting and fresh, and the ability to stay aroused and pleasured while 30 people are in a circle around you watching, directors are shouting instructions, and cameras are rolling.

As evidenced by the number one porn star status held by portly Ron Jeremy, a guy doesn’t have to be Mr. Six Pack Abs to make it in the porn business, but it probably helps!

So there you have it, a handy dandy guide to your porn star career. As The Auteur reveals, it can be fun and profitable to make your living having sex on camera. I personally don’t see how anyone can do it, but I’m glad they do it. And I’m glad The Auteur packs laughter, drama and hot sex into a movie that would have been nominated for an Oscar if Hollywood wasn’t so predictable and cautious about juicy hardcore sex. And girls, check out my take on lesbian porn. I’m sure you can do better than what is out there!

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Being a porn star has never been so fun!
Last modified on Thursday, 06 September 2012 18:51

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