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Shopping 30,000 Feet Up At the Sky Mall

Shopping offers deals on sky. Shopping offers deals on sky.

Well I just got done helping subdue yet another guy from Yemen whose father had warned US officials several months ago that his son was a bad guy. It is really tiresome to have to deal with fellow air travelers who are so clueless as to believe that incinerating one’s penis is a form of holy war.

What’s worse is that the US government’s no-fly list didn’t include this loser, but it does include a 9-year-old American kid named Mikey. Every time Mikey goes to the airport he and his family get hassled.

Hey is it just me or is flying really not all that fun anymore. Recall the flight on which crewmembers brawled with the plane’s pilot so the plane was flying itself for a few minutes, or that other flight with pilots who forgot to land their plane even though air traffic controllers were trying to get them to pay attention to the runway that they overflew by at least a hundred miles.

So when times are tough and the guy in the seat next to you is engaged in a holy war, just whistle your troubles away by reading the ubiquitous “SkyMall” magazine in the seat-back pocket.

Surely you’ve seen these thick magazines that market hundreds of items you never wanted, never needed, never even knew existed. If I had unlimited funds, I could retrofit my home and life with SkyMall items, and perhaps jumpstart my social life as a result.

I’d start by ordering SkyMall’s sports team faces, caps and other fan memorabilia that you attach to trees outside your house. Just think of the delight your friends will feel when they arrive for a flat screen TV sports afternoon and see an NFL, MLB or NCAA players’ faces, uniforms and headgear on the trunks of your trees!

And why not include your pets in the fun? For only $479.99 plus $50 shipping and handling, give your pooch a “Helmutt dog house” emblazoned with the logo of your favorite football team.

Or maybe you’re a bit of a prankster, like I am. Then get yourself a remote controlled tarantula. While your friends are admiring your sports trees, you can remote-scurry the furry little beast up their legs and scare the living daylights out of them.

How about a gun that shoots marshmallows 30 feet? It even has a laser-sighting device that ensures you accurately aim the globular gooballs.

Ok, so if your marshmellowed, tarantula-wary guests are still wanting to hang out with you, please alert them to step over the “indoor dog restroom” as they head for the couches. Yes, indeed, this innovative device emits an “organic scent” that encourages pooches to urinate onto a porous fake grass mat. Underneath the mat there’ a tray that holds up to two gallons of doggie urine. My question is, what’s to prevent doggie from also pooping on the mat?

Perhaps that’s why SkyMall advertises so many indoor deodorizers, floor scrubbers and similar devices, but I’d rather leave the dog outside in his Helmutt, and spare myself the indoor odors and cleaning chores.

When it’s halftime or the seventh inning stretch, or when everybody’s bored of the television screen, take ‘em to your pool table so they use your laser-assisted pool cue. I studied the ad for this item, trying to figure out if it would improve your pool game or be allowed at a pool tournament. I doubt it.

Speaking of pools, you’ll enjoy your pool guests more when you’re wearing your video-recording sunglasses. This handy device lets you record 2.5 hours of poolside fun in high-res video, and nobody will know you’re doing it, unless you tell them.

And if you’re an especially debauched person, just place a tiny wireless remote controlled pan and tilt surveillance camera in the ladies’ room or some other choice location so you can film and monitor the fun from as far away as 330 feet.

Now look, maybe some of these products seem illegal, or meaningless, but SkyMall shows its artistic integrity by offering an “Inspirers Collection, in celebration of our nation’s history of leadership.”

For only $145 each you get a signed and numbered “masterpiece” painting of Abe Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, Barack Obama and Michelle Obama.

Problem is, the paintings don’t look like, or flatter, their subjects. Poor Lincoln looks frightened, as if the picture was painted just before he was assassinated. John Kennedy has chipmunk cheeks and huge ears. Barack is recognizable, but his wife Michelle looks like a demented Oprah Winfrey. Go ahead, hang these on your walls…if you dare.

SkyMall saves the best for last. On its back cover is the now-classic ad for Rosetta Stone, the language immersion program that claims to teach you a new language without much effort on your part.

The advertising text- “He was a hardworking farm boy, she was an Italian supermodel, he knew he would have just one chance to impress her”- is accompanied by a photo of a sweaty, dirt-stained, pug-nosed farmboy longing for a supermodel.

Just what an Italian supermodel would be doing out on a farm, I have no idea, but darn it, that farmboy is going to learn Italian and give it a shot. Good luck, kid.

To be honest, of the hundreds of SkyMall items I considered, the only one I’d even consider buying is an inversion garden with a tomato plant hanging upside down with its roots on top and tomatoes growing below.

When I think about the valuable nectars that accumulate in some of my plants, I wonder if the inversion garden would engorge my flowers with gooey goodness.

Guess I ought to give SkyMall a call. Who knows? If I order today, maybe they’ll throw in their Swamp Beast Life-Size Crocodile Garden Statue as a free gift!

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Last modified on Friday, 05 November 2010 17:14

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